I’m drifting off. I can feel the weight of my body sinking while my essence drifts up, up into smoky slumber. There’s a lion opening the wardrobe door and
That’s not Aslan stealing me off to Narnia. Alarm takes hold as I’m slammed back into my body. This isn’t a dream. There is, literally, a ray of light slicing through my bedroom and cutting into my eyeballs.
Could this be happening?
My senses sharpen. I hear an oscillating noise from outside. The smell of dead roses seeps through my bedroom walls. Pins and needles stab my neck. Heartbeat triples. My breath tastes like rotten eggs. Roses and eggs and, damn, did brush my teeth before bed…?
Sam’s cry rips my face off and I forget all about plaque build up. My baby needs me. I’m up. I hurdle over Nancy’s side of the bed, throw myself through the door and into blinding light on the other side.
Could this be happening?
Reeling down the hall. Third door on the right. Grab the knob. Twist and shoulder check. Burst.
Shit, maybe I am in Narnia. Sam’s paralyzed little body is levitating right in front of my face. She is surrounded by a pulsing beam of razor light. And she’s moving, somehow floating through the air like a real-life Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.
Her body is exiting stage left toward a wide-open window.
Then I see it. Outside Sam’s window. A sleek metallic surface blocks the view. That pulsing, whirring noise.
This is happening.
Does this sound familiar? Tired of aliens messing with your children in the middle of the night? I know I am. Follow my tips to keep your kids safe from UFOs, happy and healthy.
- Do not give your kids an iPad
When you give your kid an iPad they, “grow up without the mental ability to create their own fun, devise their own games and enjoy real friendships - all because of endless screen-time,” says UK psychologist Sue Palmer. Hungry aliens want low hanging fruit, not smart, tough kids. Humans are no different. Why would a hunter chase the fastest cow in the herd when she could easily pick off the slowest? Children brainwashed into sedation through frequent use of electronic devices are prime for alien picking.
- Go outside and play
Science has proven that keeping your kids inside all the time increases their risk of developing myopia, aka nearsightedness. It makes sense if you think about it. When kids are allowed to play outside they’re forced to constantly scan their environment to locate and identify hazards at varying distances. This training helps develop the motor-neural connections between the brain and the eyes. In other words, if you keep your kids inside they’ll have a harder time seeing that UFO coming for them.
- Do not give your kids whatever they want, whenever they want it
Giving your kids whatever they want, whenever they want it results in children that are,“more prone to excessive self-absorption, lack of self-control, anxiety and depression.” Why is this important? Depressed and anxious little bodies give off pheromones which are easily detected by marauding UFO spaceships. Give in to your kids and give the aliens a trail of breadcrumbs right to your door.
- Teach your children to speak French
This tip is so obvious it doesn’t need clarification.
- Sell the trampoline
The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly discourages the home use of trampolines due to the prevalence of injuries caused while bouncing. Think that net is keeping them safe? Ah-hem [super-scientific voice], “current implementation of safety measures have not appeared to mitigate risk substantially.”
Ok, so how does letting kids bounce on a trampoline equal alien abduction? When you let your kids bounce on trampolines they’re much more prone to injury. How is Sammy going to run away from aliens with a busted leg?
- Dogs: Not a kid's best friend
Most dog bites are inflicted by dogs known to the victim - often their own or a neighbour's dog. When you leave your child alone unsupervised with your dog, it’s just a matter of time before Fido’s personal space needs to be defended. Kids lack the awareness to pick up on cues from canines warning of an impending bite.
Yes, punctured kids have a harder time running from UFOs. But space invaders aren’t just hunting for the slowest kids in the herd. Children who are left unsupervised for long periods do not get disciplined as frequently. Kids without rules are easier to lure outside which increases abduction efficiency. Tractor beams, teleportation and face freezing suck valuable energy from proto-nuclear reactors which aliens avoid, if possible.
- Turn down the volume
Excessively yelling at your child doesn’t only hurt your throat, it causes your child to become more aggressive. Think that an aggressive kid is harder for an alien to nab? Nope. Aggressive children are more likely to harbour resentment and are less likely to communicate openly with their parents. “What’s that outside my window? Who cares, Mommy was mean to me.”
- [Don't] pour some sugar on me
When your kids eat a lot of sugar their bodies have trouble figuring out when to stop eating. Studies have proven that restricting sugar intake in kids leads to children who eat less and lose weight, even when sugar calories are replaced with an equivalent amount of pizza, potato chip and hot dog calories.
Watch the ingredients of the foods and condiments you choose to serve your family. Did you know that there are at least 61 different names for sugar listed on food labels? These include common names, such as sucrose and high-fructose corn syrup, as well as barley malt, dextrose, maltose and rice syrup, among others. Keep the bowls of sugar off the table and your kids will be safe - those aliens will pass them by for chocolate-gobbling Augustus down the block.
- Respect the neighbour’s fence
They say it takes a village to raise a child. If your children reign terror on the neighbour’s property, you’re helping give UFOs unguarded access to your front door. The proximity principle dictates that people tend to form interpersonal relations with those who are close by. In other words, neighbours look out for each other, so teach your children to show respect for your them. Fail to love thy neighbour and you risk losing the village you need to help keep your kids safe.
- Protect your kids
Dressing your kids in bright, contrasting, highly reflective clothing makes them easier to see and less likely to get hurt or injured in traffic accidents. Teaching children to wear real safety gear prior to heading out to play enables them to connect the dots and become more aware of the hazards in their environment. Children who are taught safety awareness are extremely difficult for aliens to snatch quietly. Not to mention it’s hard to look the other way when UFO light beams light up your kid like the 1st of July.
Alright, you know how to keep your kids safe from UFOs. Now, go learn some French!