Want to sleep in? Tired of stopping after ONE glass of wine? Does it look you’ve been nursing a chainsaw? Follow my tips for keeping yourself safe and getting some out-of-this-world childcare.
- Give your kids an iPad
When you give your kid an iPad they, “grow up without the mental ability to create their own fun, devise their own games and enjoy real friendships - all because of endless screen-time,” says UK psychologist Sue Palmer. Hungry aliens want low hanging fruit, not smart, tough kids. Humans are no different. Why would a hunter chase the fastest cow in the herd when she could easily pick off the slowest? Children brainwashed into sedation through frequent use of electronic devices are prime for alien picking.
- Don’t go outside and play
Science has proven that preventing your kids from playing outside increases their risk of developing myopia, aka nearsightedness. It makes sense if you think about it. When kids are allowed to play outside they’re forced to constantly scan their environment to locate and identify hazards at varying distances. This training helps develop the motor-neural connections between the brain and the eyes. In other words, if you keep your kids inside they’ll have a harder time seeing the UFO coming.
- Give your kids whatever they want, whenever they want it
Giving your kids whatever they want, whenever they want it results in children that are,“more prone to excessive self-absorption, lack of self-control, anxiety and depression.” Why is this important? Depressed and anxious little bodies give off pheromones which are easily detected by marauding UFO spaceships. Give in to your kids and give the aliens a trail of breadcrumbs right to your door.
- Teach your children to speak French
This tip is so obvious it doesn’t need clarification.
- Let your kids bounce on trampolines
The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly discourages the home use of trampolines due to the prevalence of injuries caused while bouncing. Think that net is keeping them safe? Ah-hem [super-scientific voice], “current implementation of safety measures have not appeared to mitigate risk substantially.”
Ok, so how does letting kids bounce on a trampoline equal more margarita time? When you let your kids bounce on trampolines they’re much more prone to injury. How is Sammy going to run away from aliens with a busted leg?
- Leave your kids alone with your dog
Most dog bites are inflicted by dogs known to the victim - often their own or a neighbour's dog. When you leave your child alone unsupervised with your dog, it’s just a matter of time before Fido’s personal space needs to be defended. Kids lack the awareness to pick up on cues from canines warning of an impending bite.
Yes, punctured kids have a harder time running from aliens. But UFOs aren’t just hunting for the slowest kids in the herd. Children who are left unsupervised for long periods do not get disciplined as frequently. Kids without rules are easier to lure outside which increases abduction efficiency. Tractor beams, teleportation and face freezing suck valuable energy from proto-nuclear reactors which aliens avoid, if possible.
- Scream at your children like a banshee
Excessively yelling at your child doesn’t only hurt your throat, it causes your child to become more aggressive. Think that an aggressive kid is harder for an alien to nab? Nope. Aggressive children are more likely to harbour resentment and are less likely to communicate openly with their parents. “What’s that outside my window? Who cares, Mommy was mean to me.”
- Feed your kids excessive amounts of sugar
When your kids eat a lot of sugar their bodies have trouble figuring out when to stop eating. Studies have proven that restricting sugar intake in kids leads to children who eat less and lose weight, even when sugar calories are replaced with an equivalent amount of pizza, potato chip and hot dog calories. Fatten up your children by regularly feeding them a sugar-laden diet and you’ll be giving aliens more kid to poke and prod.
- Allow your kids to destroy the neighbour’s fence
They say it takes a village to raise a child. When your children reign terror on the neighbour’s property, you’re helping give UFOs unguarded access to your front door. The proximity principle dictates that people tend to form interpersonal relations with those who are close by. Your neighbours look out for you unless they feel that you pose a threat. If you fail to prevent your kids from damaging your neighbour’s property, a UFO visit might be payback for bad karma. Fail to love thy neighbour and thy neighbour will fail to alert thee to alien intruders.
- Don’t protect your kids
Dressing your kids in bright, contrasting, highly reflective clothing makes them easier to see and less likely to get hurt or injured in traffic accidents. Teaching children to wear real safety gear prior to heading out to play enables them to connect the dots and become more aware of the hazards in their environment. Children who are taught safety awareness are difficult for aliens to snatch quietly. Not to mention it’s hard to look the other way when UFO light beams light up your kid like the 1st of July.
Not a good candidate for alien abduction.
Alright, now you know how [not] to keep your kids safe from UFOs. You're welcome.
P.S. - If you actually want to keep your kids safe from UFOs then you should do the opposite of the 10 points listed above. Except maybe #4….